Day 3 of writing

I have done no writing. But at least I thought about my story lol. I have also been taken over by feelings of disappointment because I feel like I should be more successful financial wise. I’ve been writing for years, my skill level is decent, but I have no marketing skills what so ever. Maybe I should go into erotica, I’ve got an idea for a story. That’s a sure fire way to get some cash right? Hahahaha.

I have this scenario in my head that I put out one story and it’s more successful than all my other books combined. That would be hilarious.

18 Months

I’ll be 30 in 18 months.

My current ultimate goal of pushing out 10 stories by this deadline is looking like it might not happen. Eeek! Damn my mortal flesh body, you had to go and be organic 😦 I honestly believe that if it were not for burnout then I would have pushed out two maybe three stories by now. I do not know when I’ll pick up the pen again.

But I can tell you that the next stories I will be publishing are; Save One, The Things We Do, and Jumpstart. These are the ones that are only a few drafts away from completion. I’m so close, but I just can’t make myself attend to them 😦

I haven’t really thought about what happens after I get ten books out there. Maybe I’ll start to develop more of a following (That’s a dream I have) without putting that much effort into it . . not likely. Maybe I’ll start a youtube channel, I’ve been thinking about it. Or I’ll just set another goal to achieve. I don’t have much skill in marketing and I’m quite a shy person.

I don’t know how I’ll feel if I don’t complete my goal. I’d imagine I’d feel pretty down. I mean, I’ve had years to complete it. Why didn’t I manage the circumstances to ensure that I completed my goal? What did I do wrong? But that is something I can manage at the moment.

The impotent writer

What is wrong with me!?

I’m a writer that doesn’t want to write. I cannot make the words appear on page and I cannot edit the words I already have. The stories are there, but I cannot rise to perform.  For Christ’s sake, not two years ago I wrote a hundred thousand word novel in two months. And then I went on to other writing projects unfazed! I was a machine. I was churning out story after story, getting idea after idea, editing a novella in a few days and now . . . my brain doesn’t work. I’m jealous of my past self and of other writers. Like how dare you go out and produce books while I’m over here not.

The days pass by, they turn into weeks and then months and now it is the fourth month of my burnout. How much further along could I be if I wasn’t like this? I watch things, but I feel no joy from watching. I buy books that I would otherwise be interested in, but give up after a few chapters or not even begin.

My USB is full of stories. I’ve written so much and yet I take no sense of joy, pride or accomplishment away from it. Its new home is under my desk instead of permanently plugged in my laptop. I could lose it and not care.

I’m supposed to be a writer Goddamnit! Why am I not writing? Why am I so impotent? How long will I not be able to get it up for? WTF is wrong with me? I feel like crying, but I prevent myself from losing control. What am I even doing with all this free time that I now have? I spend it thinking that I’m wasting my time and talent and then get simultaneously pissed off and sad when night falls because what I have I accomplished? What am I doing with my life? What else do I have? How did I lose passion for my passion?

How do I even get over burnout? Do I just wait until my mind gets better? How long do I have to wait? I’ve had plenty of time off work in the four months since I gave up. My sleep is fine, my diet is mostly fine. I’m exercising. I have ample free time for everything in my life. But I’m moody and irritable. I don’t want to do anything else but write because it’s the only thing that I really like doing. And now it’s a thing that does not bring me joy.