Had a notice that said it is my seventh anniversary on this blog. I can’t believe it. I set this up during a uni class back in Melbourne and it’s been going strong for all that time!
Thinking back on what’s happened since then, I went and developed a bunch of feels. I’ve self-published seven stories ranging from the short ones to a novel. I failed my goal of reaching 10 stories by 30 and I might not reach it this year. I have also been living overseas for five years now. Prior to finishing high school, I had never thought that this would be where my life would end up.
I wonder what the next seven years will be like . . .
Today marks the one-month anniversary of my arrival to Utrecht. It is the one month mark for the coronavirus shutdown.
The day me and Chris got out of the UK was the day when everything closed. In the beginning, like 90% of everything was shut down. Thankfully supermarkets, laundromats, and that variety store Action were still open. Also, you could order food online and whatnot.
Now there are cafes and small corner restaurants open for takeaways and whenever I got out for a walk, I see plenty of people. And people are canoeing along the canals! I thought you couldn’t do that? And there are so many people out and about just lazing about. I’ve also seen that many people repairing or building things too. No better time like the present, I guess.
What am I personally doing?
Trying to learn a bit of Dutch through Duolingo. Trying to write/edit my stories. Overly bonding with my cats. Wondering why I haven’t accomplished more in my life now that I’m left with nothing but my thoughts. You know the usual.
I wrote a little bit for the third chapter, but it is not completed. I’m feeling a little better since I got back into writing again. It also helps that the cats are used to me now and sit on my lap, but they end up walking all over my laptop lol.
I might try to do some more after my second shift because I didn’t do anything during my break. I’ve decided that I’m going to finish the first draft of this book by the end of the year 🙂
What is wrong with me!?
I’m a writer that doesn’t want to write. I cannot make the words appear on page and I cannot edit the words I already have. The stories are there, but I cannot rise to perform. For Christ’s sake, not two years ago I wrote a hundred thousand word novel in two months. And then I went on to other writing projects unfazed! I was a machine. I was churning out story after story, getting idea after idea, editing a novella in a few days and now . . . my brain doesn’t work. I’m jealous of my past self and of other writers. Like how dare you go out and produce books while I’m over here not.
The days pass by, they turn into weeks and then months and now it is the fourth month of my burnout. How much further along could I be if I wasn’t like this? I watch things, but I feel no joy from watching. I buy books that I would otherwise be interested in, but give up after a few chapters or not even begin.
My USB is full of stories. I’ve written so much and yet I take no sense of joy, pride or accomplishment away from it. Its new home is under my desk instead of permanently plugged in my laptop. I could lose it and not care.
I’m supposed to be a writer Goddamnit! Why am I not writing? Why am I so impotent? How long will I not be able to get it up for? WTF is wrong with me? I feel like crying, but I prevent myself from losing control. What am I even doing with all this free time that I now have? I spend it thinking that I’m wasting my time and talent and then get simultaneously pissed off and sad when night falls because what I have I accomplished? What am I doing with my life? What else do I have? How did I lose passion for my passion?
How do I even get over burnout? Do I just wait until my mind gets better? How long do I have to wait? I’ve had plenty of time off work in the four months since I gave up. My sleep is fine, my diet is mostly fine. I’m exercising. I have ample free time for everything in my life. But I’m moody and irritable. I don’t want to do anything else but write because it’s the only thing that I really like doing. And now it’s a thing that does not bring me joy.
I think my burn out is starting to wane because I managed to do a draft of The Things We Do, but I had to force myself to do it 😦 I’ve just finished two weeks off from work and I never really utilised it. I think back just over a year when I was powering through and I could have done multiple edits of different stories.
I’m starting to think that maybe I won’t have anything ready until next year 😦 The fact that I have not accomplished anything in the last few months really annoys me. Technically I could have finished and published two stories by now. Just thinking about it makes me feel down. So much time wasted. And I know what I need to do with all the things I have, but I just don’t feel like doing any of it 😦
It’s almost the end of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and I’m getting sick of 57 hour work weeks. I’m still burnt out from before and I don’t know when I’ll return to writing. What’s more is that I’m irritated with myself about not writing and all the lost time and because of that I get more pissed off. When the festival finishes I don’t know what I’m going to do with my time.
But I think I’m slowly coming out of my funk. I’m thinking of my stories more as opposed to not at all, but I’m still not at the stage where I want to do anything with them. Maybe it’ll take another month or so for me to get over it.
I would say I have terrible writer’s block, however, I think it might be burnout. Really good time for it to kick in (not!). I have all the free time in the world because I’m back in Aust and not working, but I can’t seem to make myself write or edit 😦
I have several unfinished first drafts, that I know exactly what needs to happen. I have them planned out and everything. But it’s like smashing my head against a brick wall. No, I do not want to write, I don’t want to edit, and I don’t find joy from things like reading, playing computer games or surfing the net 😦
I take joy in the fact that the last two years of my writing journey has been super productive and I am really satisfied with what I’ve accomplished. I’m getting to the point where my first drafts are boss 🙂
But what am I supposed to do now?
How do I break out of it?
When will that happen?
In the last three weeks, I have not written as much as I would like. I spent a few days in Germany, then I was sick for another four. And while I thought up another book idea I am still lagging behind in writing up others 😦 I think I might be suffering from writer’s block 😦
I am writing up the sequel to Jumpstart, but it’s going so slow. Perhaps only a few hundred words a day. I don’t know why my brain is so mushy. I know the rough order of events. And work has let me stay in the downstairs part of the restaurant during my split shifts. I have the time.
I read somewhere that writer’s block is the manifestation of a person’s fear of failure so that they are too scared to even try to write. And I feel that. What if I can’t finish it? But that’s a stupid thought because I’ve succeeded with others.
I am a bit worried that I won’t be able to keep the main character the same, but that’s just because I’ve never written a sequel before. I don’t know how this book is going to end either. That’s a red flag don’t you think?
But I have a bit more success with this other book idea. I thought it up while in Germany. It actually takes from this idea I had when I was 20. But it’s a story I never developed that much. Maybe if I do I’ll set it in the same universe or something. I’ve done about 5,000 words of it. I thought that was pretty good, but for some reason the next day I thought that I could have done more 😦