I’m not productive enough and I feel shit about it

I’ve been in the Netherlands for six-ish weeks now. I literary arrived the day before everything shut down, so it should have been a paradise for me. I was already going to have some time off work so I had been psyching myself up to it.

And then I get here and my ability to perform fails.

I’ve made some progress editing the beginning of a novel (which I gave up on). I also started a novella that’ll I have done by the end of this week. I’ve been keeping track of what I’m doing and I feel terrible about all the days where I did nothing. All that lost potential. Why can’t I make writing and editing a 9 to 5? It’s almost like I have burnout again, but I’m not sure if I do. It doesn’t help that I’m having a lot of negative thoughts that have no relation to my life at present. They are taking up a lot of time in me. Maybe it’s because I can’t socialise in person anymore.

It’s not a good day unless I’ve written more than 1k and I hardly ever do that. It’s not a good day when I spend hours playing computer games, even if I do manage to write. That’s still time spent elsewhere. From memory, I used to be so efficient at writing. But now my body and brain says no 😦

So where do I go from here?

I’m slowly getting things done, but not to my liking. Do I just keep chipping away at it? Maybe I have to as I can’t seem to do anything else. Maybe having a day job was something that improved my writing. It gave me some eustress about my finite time and made me manage what I had. Now I have all the time in the world I have no immediate rush to do anything 😦

Decreased productivity :(

In the last three weeks, I have not written as much as I would like. I spent a few days in Germany, then I was sick for another four. And while I thought up another book idea I am still lagging behind in writing up others 😦 I think I might be suffering from writer’s block 😦

I am writing up the sequel to Jumpstart, but it’s going so slow. Perhaps only a few hundred words a day. I don’t know why my brain is so mushy. I know the rough order of events. And work has let me stay in the downstairs part of the restaurant during my split shifts. I have the time.

I read somewhere that writer’s block is the manifestation of a person’s fear of failure so that they are too scared to even try to write. And I feel that. What if I can’t finish it? But that’s a stupid thought because I’ve succeeded with others.

I am a bit worried that I won’t be able to keep the main character the same, but that’s just because I’ve never written a sequel before. I don’t know how this book is going to end either. That’s a red flag don’t you think?

But I have a bit more success with this other book idea. I thought it up while in Germany. It actually takes from this idea I had when I was 20. But it’s a story I never developed that much. Maybe if I do I’ll set it in the same universe or something. I’ve done about 5,000 words of it. I thought that was pretty good, but for some reason the next day I thought that I could have done more 😦